Love, Lies and Infidelity

I have had quite a few friends whose relationships have ended recently because of infidelity, which has prompted me to blog about it (this means I get to have a wee rant and you can choose to read it, or not). If you disagree with something I have said, please comment below or contact me. By all means, I am open to discussion.

Sleazy motels, sexy lingerie, stolen moments... Infidelity used to require a whole lot more effort. Now, the internet and cell phones have made it so much easier to cheat - have a dirty conversation via MSN/Facebook/Yahoo, email each other nude/saucy pictures, have 'text sex'...

It has become glaringly obvious, through both my own experience and through what I have observed of other people's relationships, that infidelity seems to occur at a much higher rate than what my girlish dreams had anticipated.

Our good friend Wikipedia defines infidelity as follows:

In many intimate relationships in most cultures there is usually an express or implied expectation of exclusivity, especially in sexual matters. Infidelity (colloquially known as cheating) most commonly refers to a breach of the expectation of sexual exclusivity.

Infidelity can occur in relation to physical intimacy and/or emotional intimacy. The impact of infidelity is said to be not only about sex outside the relationship, but also about trust, betrayal, lying and disloyalty. Sexual infidelity by a marriage partner is commonly called philandery, adultery, or an affair.

What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner in the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of that relationship.

Emotional infidelity is emotional involvement with another person, a process which leads one’s partner to channel emotional resources, such as romantic love, time, and attention, to someone else. With the association of multi-user dimensions the level of intimate involvement has extended from in-person involvement to online affairs. Emotional infidelity, as compared to physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering. To make matters worse, most infidelity involves both physical and emotional betrayal.

PHYSICAL INFIDELITY is pretty straightforward - being physically intimate with a person other than your partner = cheating. Sex/sexual activity (really, do I need to spell this out?) with another person, whether once or multiple times = definitely cheating. I have heard excuses such as "I was drunk", "I thought about you the whole time" and "I missed you, and she looked like you". Are you kidding me? You had sex with someone else. Stop trying to make up excuses that, quite frankly, we both know are just lies.

I'm not going to go into the "Is kissing cheating?" debate. Some people think that it is and some people don't. That is a boundary you need to set within your own relationship.

EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY may not necessarily involve physical infidelity. I don't think that being 'emotionally involved' with someone is required to fit in to this category. For example, the internet and cell phones have made it so much easier to cheat in this manner - have a dirty conversation via MSN/Facebook/Yahoo, email each other nude/saucy pictures, have 'text sex'... Sometimes there is that emotional connection though - the person cheating may actually love the person they're cheating with.

Having never cheated on a partner, I can't say what goes through someone's head when they decide to be unfaithful. However, having had multiple unfaithful partners, I can tell you one thing - it hurts. I have had boyfriends who have slept with other women (and other men!) - both as a once off and multiple times - and it sucks! It made me doubt my personality, my physical appearance, and my self worth so much.

What is worse for me, however, is the emotional cheating. It seems far more personal, knowing that your significant other is connecting with another human being on an emotional level that they clearly feel that they don't share with you. If you've never experienced this heart-wrenching betrayal, just imagine being told you're worthless, boring, unloveable and unattractive by the person you love most in the world. Then multiply that feeling by 100. I don't think that even begins to come close to how I felt when I found out that my partner had essentially been having a relationship (minus the physical intimacy) via email/text message/facebook/phone with a woman that I thought was "just a friend". Talk about ripping out my heart and stomping all over it!!! This woman lived in another city, and I have no doubt in my mind that if she lived in the same city as him he wouldn't have hesitated about jumping into bed with her.

I can tell this is probably going to come off as ranty, but what I really want to say is this:

If you are cheating, either emotionally or physically, have the guts to break up with your partner. No one deserves the heartbreak that infidelity brings, and no one likes a liar.

***OPINIONATED BLOGGER'S EDIT***

A dear friend of mine has pointed something out to me that I forgot to mention - open relationships are a totally different kettle of fish. I do not judge anyone who is in an open relationship, I have been in one myself - it worked because we all knew where we stood and we were open and honest with each other.

Nothing is ever simple, and no two relationships are the same. What I wrote on my blog is a generalisation, because the people I am writing about are in no way mature enough to cope with an open relationship.